by Peter Richmond
When the precocious teen actor announced in 2012 that he and his Hollywood buddies Brad Peacock and Gerrit Cole (“The Zack Pack”) were shooting a new, darker version of John Hughes’ classic Sixteen Candles, the news was met with widespread skepticism — until Sixteen Vandals, with Mylie Cyrus reprising the Molly Ringwald role, earned $180 million in its first weekend. Next on Cozart’s plate? “We’re already in pre-production for Not so Pretty in Pink,” he told E! “And the Psychedelic Furs are reuniting to do the soundtrack. How cool is that?”
“The most interesting man in the world” is said to be based on the real-life international man of intrigue who, in the 1950s, was seen with the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Katherine Hepburn, and Grace Kelly when he wasn’t managing his vineyards in Cyprus or his arms-manufacturing plant in the outskirts of Vladivostok. He was last seen in public in 2002, squiring Kiera Knightley, then 60 years his junior, to the premiere of Bend it Like Beckham, and is rumored to now reside on an island province of Papua New Guinea.
The Wyoming ranch owner, named for the protagonist in Ayn Rand’s unpublished novel “Triumphant,” gained brief fame last year by agreeing to allow Phish to headline the largest jam-band festival in history in the southwest corner of his 1,000 acres. 1.2 million kids showed up, and after six days, meteorologists tracked a seven-mile-wide cloud of marijuana smoke as far east as Garden City, Kansas, where within three days, every convenience store in the city was sold out of Doritos and Snickers.
The Los Angeles private eye’s bulldog tenaciousness has earned him many bold-faced industry clients as well as an international reputation as a hall-of-fame sleuth. Cueto is best known for never revealing his uncannily accurate surveillance tactics, leading to rumors that he is possessed of the ability to actually read minds. His legend spawned the long-running eponymous Saturday morning cartoon series, as well as a lucrative merchandising line in conjunction with In ‘N Out Burger.
The Scandinavian philosopher broke onto the academic scene in 2002 with a bleak tract titled: “Torturous, Existential Angst: Mankind’s God-Given Condition.” Denied tenure at the University of Copenhagen, the “Danish Depressive” went on to found the controversial private boarding school “Hamlet Hall” in Helsingor, Denmark.
The once-anonymous Bailey’s words of comic wisdom, at first uttered only to friends and family on his porch in rural Wisconsin, began to attract national attention after the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel profiled the loveable old coot in 2009, and his legend as “the next Will Rogers” took off. Bailey shied from the publicity, but did agree to pen, with Mitch Albom, “Homer’s Homilies,” which is entering its fourth year on the bestseller list.
From his humble beginnings in “The Polish Triangle” neighborhood of Chicago, Swarzak earned a PhD in Political Science at the University of Chicago before rising to the top of the Anarcho-Syndicalist Party of Chicago, which nominated him for the mayoral primary seven consecutive times. He finished last each time. He is currently the night manager of the Superdawg on N. Milwaukee Avenue.
“The Cuban missile” was born in Holguin Province on the south of the island, where Christopher Columbus was said to have remarked, upon coming ashore, “the most beautiful country human eyes had ever seen.” Chapman defected while the Cuban national team was in The Netherlands, and subsequently, as a Cincinnati Redleg, has been said to have thrown the two fastest pitches in history: 105 and 106. Oh, wait. That’s all true. Never mind.